Towards A Cage Behind Theology

After mulling over the significance of the new Nic Cageful Left Behind movie (bound to be a seven film series. Because, completion of perfection!) for several months, I’ve realized that, like all good puzzles that transcend space, time, sense and good taste, I must learn to think outside bsurdity and allow absurdity to roam amok, with a mullet, and naked, and stuff. I’ve decided that the only way to solve the mystery of this supernova upon earth’s media empire set to implode upon our intellectual space and suck away at both our souls and our braenzes is to predict what this movie will look like. If, like much Western Theology, we can figure out what something is, God will save us from the wages of sin (aka, Nic Cage series).

So here’s my take:

The new Left Behind series will be a threequel to the National Treasure treasure of this nation – the Holy Third member of the Holy Trinity of NT. But here, the mystery being unlocked is what happened to all the nice, middle class white people and the cartoonish people of color and why is everybody else that’s left a vile flirt, drinker of spirits, and/or a pool-and-cards player? Why, Nic Cage’s character must ask in raspy and world-weary overhanded voice-over, are all the Left Behinders having so much obviously incomplete with such an obvious God-shaped hole in their hearts?


What Cage shall find is that the answer is hidden in an ancient American treasure. Not the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence, but that OTHER national treasure: Jefferson’s Bible. But not the one made up after-the -fact by by teh revisionist libruls where the pages about miracles were ripped out because libruls hate the bible and our founders, but the one that was really kept by Thomas Jefferson (who, also, we are reminded, really loved his slaves and even married one) and is filled with copious underlinings, notes in the margins, and colorful highlighted text – just like Eschatology Scholar Tim LaHaye’s bible!

Nic Cage – and some chick – must cross heaven and earth (as long as it’s in continental, continual United States) to find Thomas Jefferson’s Bible before we are all left behind.

Also, when they find it, only they’ll be saved…

What do you think? What will the new, blockbuster Best Movie Ever look like? And remember, the right answer sends us to heaven; the wrong to hell. Choose wisely what you believe, pagans.


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