Study Reveals Republican State Lawmakers Learned Sex Ed through Porn, Teen Comedies, Uncomfortable Talks with Parents

According to a new report compiled of in-depth surveys and interviews of lawmakers in Texas, Ohio, North Dakota, Kansas, Arkansas, and various other states on their reproductive information, legislators know remarkably little about the reproductive system, how it works, how sex works, and where babies come from. In fact, probed deeper for sometimes hours at a time by the Kinskey Institute for Education and Sexuality, most Republican politicians interviewed admitted that their sex education comes from locker room conversations, pornography, The Talk from their own parents, and teen sex romp comedies from the 1980s.

North Dakota State Rep. Dudley Dawson (R – Buugerton), for instance, did not he seem to have any working knowledge of internal organs or sexual organs of the female body – or even those of the male body, for that matter. Women were referred to solely by body parts or through derogatory terminology in a dialect known by linguists as “Dudebroism.” He finished his absurd monologue with, “And that’s how I got those [misogynistic Dubebroism for women] pregnant with my babies! They better keep them too!” To demonstrate that he is not joking, Dawson is co-sponsoring a bill in Ohio that would equate an abortion with murder. “Those my babies, brah!”

Kansas State Rep. Richard D Iggler (R – Petersville) maintains that sex happens when plumbers come to “lay the pipe down.” Iggler contends that when he “lays down the plumbing… the customer is always satisfied.” Iggler, who apparently fixes toilets all over the three county area, is a supporter of Kansas’ HB 2253, which, according to the Center for Reproductive Rights, “virtually eliminates a woman’s ability to obtain a needed abortion in a medical emergency, defining an emergency so narrowly that it would be extremely rare for a woman’s circumstances to qualify for an emergency abortion.” He is also working on another bill to outlaw mandatory child support payments.

Ohio State Rep. Rafael Uigms seems to believe that babies come from kissing in fields of flowers near bees and birds. To the Republican lawmaker, conception is when the “daddy’s half of the baby comes and joins the mommy’s half of the baby. When they come together, it makes a tiny little baby in the tummy.” To maintain the natural purity of the birthing process, Uigms is not only running bills through the Ohio’s legislature that would force every pregnant woman to endure a transvaginal ultrasound, but also deny healthcare benefits for poor, pregnant women. “It’s so much more natural that way. They will thank me,” the Springfieldian adds.

A Sea of Sunflowers

Arkansas State Sen. Andy Carrell (R – 40th) answers, with a bit more hubris than should be expected from a grown man so obviously wrong, that the female becomes impregnated when the male “touches her boobies.” However, he showed remarkably little knowledge about what he also referred to as “funbags,” He offered that they feel like sandbags and added, “But you have to be careful how you squeeze them. If too much pressure… they could pop.” Carrell’s bill would criminalize sex between minors as well as sex between men (“How can they even make babies? Somebody answer me that!”). Curiously, that is the entire bill.

Not to be outdone by the Dumb Boys Club, some female Republicans seem naive about their own body. Mulva Dolores (R – Sinefield) answered, “Life begins at conception.” When pressed for specifics, she said it was not a woman’s job to question her husband or pastor.

And Texas Governor Rick Perry (R) tops them all. In referring to State Sen Wendy Davis (D), Perry forgets her name but suggests she is not intelligent enough to have “learned from her own life lessons.” Perry, of course, is highly qualified to speak about life lessons that single mothers should have learned. As long as he remains in power in Austin, he will continue to impart his wisdom upon the lowly people. As he reminded the nation before injecting the state’s 500th execution in modern times (with half of those under his watch, and several of them being juveniles, having mental handicaps, or inadequate representation), Rick Perry’s Texas loves all life.

As of press time, each of these legislators is in prime mode to legislate the female body based on the image impressed in his cloistered, oppressive, pre-adolescent idiocy. As Sen. Carrell puts it, “As soon as I touch it, that body belongs to me.”

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